Newness in our lives is a necessity

 Today (10th march 2023) was quite a roller coaster. A nice one too. Today I got my report card, that one paper that comes in a large envelope, a day of nervousness and an absurd sense of peace in my soul (deep Ik). It stimulated my senses to feel absolutely nothing. This report card was for the annual percentage and honestly, I'm not satisfied. I mean that is toxic, to be frank. But somehow, there's always something. I still remember the day I was handed my biology sheet, which indicated that I had scored a perfect score in my cycle test in the subject. Somehow, there was this feeling of... unrest. Why? Maybe I'm just always used be unsatisfied with everything that I get. 

Enough on that.

However, what I wanted to emphasize today, was how I was influenced by this awkward sense of newness. My report card said, passed and promoted to IX and it was just this dream come true. Pause. I want to say something that I have never told people, except those closest to me. You see, I have always been absolutely obsessed with the concept of higher studies. Ever since childhood, me being a curious little guy, I have been mesmerized by looking at textbooks and books out of which I don't understand a single word. Why? Because it creates this heavy contrast between where I was at that time, and where I will be at some point in life. I have always known, for the past 14 years, that there will come a stage in my life where I will have developed enough to receive this kind of knowledge. You see, I love learning. And to be quite honest, this is not an affirmation to repeat to make me so. I just.love.to.learn. this is why, in subjects that maybe I am striving to do better, maybe not exactly my forte, I swear I can even do a PhD in that topic. Because I know, i.will.find. a way to obsess me with that subject because it is awesome. But I know higher studies require a mindset, routines, maturity, certain level of wisdom to do properly. I just did not know it would be.... now. 

 

This I why, seeing this bundle of textbooks that sitting on my desk, creates, not anxiety but an overflowing desire to get it right. Get the theme right, get the concepts right, do everything perfectly and have the best year. Because in my perspective, the margin of error is so small. Like, there is no room for mistakes, and I'm trying to reduce the intensity of that perfectionist desire, but at the same time, use it to my benefit. 

you see, all of this is new.

I never thought, never, that this is the part of my life where I tighten up my boots and grow up. I always thought that this phase comes to you after you are ready. Like really-really ready. I didn't know that it would hit me right after I came out of my hellish exams and an even more roller coaster-ish year. 

This is an anomaly in my thought process, that this phase is supposed to come now. It’s a big anomaly. And maybe, just maybe, I need to accept it. 

This is it. This is exactly what people call, stepping into the unknown. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. But I know one thing. That I never want to struggle like the way I struggled in my previous academic year. Not because the coming years will be easy but because almost every moment of the past year was a form of living hell. I was unable to manage my cluttered life while trying to find out, how the hell did I get here, and why do I want to go on doing this. I never wanted to go through this kind of stuff again but I am really glad I did. 

Newness in our lives is a necessity. I feel, that stepping into the unknown, is maybe a test, but I think, it shows to our own selves, what we are made of. This year, I am waiting to do just that. 

This kind of newness must be accompanied by a difference in our life as well. This means developing systems, goals, habits, and mindsets that are used to face these new elements in our lives, head-on. 

See? There is a lot to be done. Anything less than perfect gets us not where we want but where we deserve to be. Is that good? The margin for making errors is so small, I mean our entire lives depend on … us. How huge is that? We need to actively take responsibility for our own stuff, strive towards our goals, find out what we like, what kind of person we don't want to be, where we perceive ourselves and it seems like a lot of... essential load we need to learn to manage. Is this what growing up means? Is this what progressing in life into the person we want to be, looks like? I don't know, but I'm willing to find out. 

 

I know, it will take time. but I'm doing this for me. That little me, who always is fascinated by this stuff, and was always thinking a step ahead of everyone. Me and him, we both deserve it. 

 

I think this is what life looks like sometimes. Change, adapting, getting back at it, failing, enjoying, struggling, striving, attempting, winning, triumph, disaster, and then doing the whole thing again, but now with a more refined character and perspective as compared to the beginning of the last such cycle. Learning in this world is what we are here, and it has taken a lot of time for me to learn that. Rejoice and triumph, my friend, for either you are getting there like me, or you are getting there like me too. For there is no ideal future, a world where everything will be ok. It is just falling absolutely and completely in love with the process and living the dream.

It's the wisest lesson life has to teach.